' How to Fall Out of Love "

"
I am looking for you again. In airports when your last name is called over the intercom,
through clouds of smoke, in parked cars I can pass.
I keep telling myself to forget the smoke-screened version of you I have created,
the one who has your hair and ambles from place to place. "THINK OF HIM," I say.
Of who he really was.

Think of the piles of dandruff on his pillow, the sarcastic way he said, "I love you,"
and the way he said, "This doesn't mean we're going to date again," after kissing you.
Think of the pictures of his hand on her knee only a day after you stopped talking.
Think of every minute you spent waiting on him. Think of the way he never loved you.

Do not, I repeat do NOT, think of the way he looked at you in mid-conversation,
or the hours you spent in his bed, giggling and hiding under the covers as his fan blew on your back.
Do not think of the way he blurted out that he loved you. It was not "perfect". Quit telling yourself so.
Forget the back seat of your car and the humid air that leaked through the cracked window.
Burn the blankets and pillows where it happened for the first time.
Do not look back on every moment and wonder where you went wrong
or what you could have done to keep his attention.

Erase every damned song that reminds you of him and only listen to songs that came out recently,
songs that have not been spoiled by his memory.
Think of the way he did not want to join in the trivia game over the last coffee you shared together
because everyone around you was in their forties and he was embarrassed.
Think of him, pressed against her the same way he was against you, in a fucking shed.
Think of the way your feelings embarrassed him. Do not think of his film collection,
or the books you talked about, or the way he touched you.
Do not tell yourself that he has been the only one to understand. Do NOT whisper his name.
Do not think of him and the smile on his face you so rarely saw.
And do not, do not think of his kisses.
or his love.
do not, do not. Do not.

"

Words

Two people, two lives,

came together as one,

a bed we shared, along with a life

and most importantly,

words

shared, expressed, promised

what is a promise?

words

but things change, situations change, people... change

and those

words

we whispered to each other

in the darkness, with a cold breeze kissing our cheeks

a tear falling from my eye

those

words

they moved me, surrounded me

they guided me forward

i wasn't afraid because those

words

made me feel safe, secure, true.. loved and accepted

and where are we now?

no longer together, no longer one

two people, two very different people

with different goals

leading different lives

and now 

all we feel 

are feelings, truth, emotions

no longer tied down to lies

and 

words

apart.

Trying to find the words to describe
the pain within my heart
is just as easy as it would be to forgive all that you've done
i could
but i wouldn't
we can never be what we were before.
time has warped our minds
and can undo it as well, apart
together, we create a chemical imbalance in the earth
mass destruction, total inebriation
that is why
apart
is what we must be.
forevermore

Running

All of my life, I've always been running
from one class to the next
from one friend to the next
from one boy to the next
Running
Sometimes sprinting - and at other times, slowing down
But never walking
It's always been fast-paced
Stressing about every detail
of every english assignment that I just had to ace
about every show that I just had to be cast in
Running
Throwing myself into situations in which I couldn't handle
situations I shouldn't be handling
Sprinting back and forth - work and rehearsals
Running my mouth
to people I really shouldn't have
on subjects which were not my forte
Quickly skipping to each room
it felt like a dream
in fast forward
You'd think for a runner, I'd be in better shape
Running
They never saw
But all this time I've been running
with scissors
I've just been so lucky to have not tripped
until now

Unforgiven

I wasn't prepared for the disaster that occurred.
I didn't intend on it happening..
I went there for you. To sit beside you, to be with.. you.
The embrace I felt.. it wasn't from you.
I spifflicated all hope between us, with one inane decision.
That's not who I am, I swear of it.
They might all say that...but I mean it.
Granted, the night was not proper.. the situation, incorrect.
But as ruler of my mind and body, I should have held control.
But I didn't.
I don't know what it is about you, that keeps me coming back for more.
I know you're not good for me. You're the worst.
Yet, after I took away all faith from ever being with you again,
I feel as though I'd do anything to get that opportunity back.
You don't care, I know you don't.
But I do.
And I'll stop at nothing to win your trust back.
To win... you back.

Out

Stuck in a sturdy cell called home. Abandoned home disguised as a mighty fortress.
So much you cannot see, for you are blind beyond all ignorance.
I'm stuck here, in this hole. I can't get out, I can't get out no matter how hard I try.
I am bound here for all of eternity. Not meant to get away, to get out..

I can't escape your words..your lies. All the things you've said.
They say it doesn't matter, they aren't worth it.
Well, you're not. You're not worth one breath of mine.
What I need most is to break through this force you have on me.

If only they knew what it was like. To be cut, and thrown all over the floor.
...And to be stepped on over and over and over again countless times.
You cannot possibly begin to fathom the hardships I've endured in the past year.
I don't want your sympathy. I don't want anything from you.

Trapped here in this wretched town; I've known all the same faces for years at a time.
When will I venture to a new land and leave this juvenile world behind?
I hope it to be soon, for I am becoming evasive. The slope is growing slippery and,
The dream, the gleam in my eye is slowly dying evanescent.

You'll never surrender your goal of breaking me. But I'll never give in to your imbecility.
I'll stand my ground and laugh at your oblivion. Enough of your pity, I don't need it.
It seems everywhere I run, you're always there. So, I'm done running.
I'm done begging you to quit... I'm done trying to get out. Because I never will.

Unforgiveable Lust

Nothing's the same as it used to be,
I look around myself and all I can see,
is the sight of new faces every day,
I wonder anymore if it's alright to say,

I need some joy, excitement in this heart,
When will the happiness ever start?
Way back when, it used to be fun,
But that was before the damage was done.

My heart is now black though before it were pink,
I know now I should've never taken that first drink.
It flipped my very life upside down,
My always smiling face had faded to a frown.

I walk the halls of this overrated school,
with the plan of my demise, his favorite tool.
He uses it to wrench deep inside of my soul,
Where there was once a heart, is now a big hole.

He took away the ability for me to ever trust,
All because of one night and that unforgiveable lust.