Out

Stuck in a sturdy cell called home. Abandoned home disguised as a mighty fortress.
So much you cannot see, for you are blind beyond all ignorance.
I'm stuck here, in this hole. I can't get out, I can't get out no matter how hard I try.
I am bound here for all of eternity. Not meant to get away, to get out..

I can't escape your words..your lies. All the things you've said.
They say it doesn't matter, they aren't worth it.
Well, you're not. You're not worth one breath of mine.
What I need most is to break through this force you have on me.

If only they knew what it was like. To be cut, and thrown all over the floor.
...And to be stepped on over and over and over again countless times.
You cannot possibly begin to fathom the hardships I've endured in the past year.
I don't want your sympathy. I don't want anything from you.

Trapped here in this wretched town; I've known all the same faces for years at a time.
When will I venture to a new land and leave this juvenile world behind?
I hope it to be soon, for I am becoming evasive. The slope is growing slippery and,
The dream, the gleam in my eye is slowly dying evanescent.

You'll never surrender your goal of breaking me. But I'll never give in to your imbecility.
I'll stand my ground and laugh at your oblivion. Enough of your pity, I don't need it.
It seems everywhere I run, you're always there. So, I'm done running.
I'm done begging you to quit... I'm done trying to get out. Because I never will.

Unforgiveable Lust

Nothing's the same as it used to be,
I look around myself and all I can see,
is the sight of new faces every day,
I wonder anymore if it's alright to say,

I need some joy, excitement in this heart,
When will the happiness ever start?
Way back when, it used to be fun,
But that was before the damage was done.

My heart is now black though before it were pink,
I know now I should've never taken that first drink.
It flipped my very life upside down,
My always smiling face had faded to a frown.

I walk the halls of this overrated school,
with the plan of my demise, his favorite tool.
He uses it to wrench deep inside of my soul,
Where there was once a heart, is now a big hole.

He took away the ability for me to ever trust,
All because of one night and that unforgiveable lust.

Untitled

I lay here on this cold tile floor,
You left me here tattered and alone.
Broken.
Piece by piece I've fallen apart.
Fallen.
The clock strikes twelve,
I remember that day.
The one where I lost everything.
I never hoped to let go of my innocence.
Thrown forth at the Devil.
No longer am I whole,
A wound inhabits my chest..
The heart that once lain within,
has now taken a turn for the worse.
Blood.
Soaks my shirt,
Drenches my bra.
And covers my chest and stomach.
My tears cleanse away some of the pain.
But not all of it.
The rest is left there,
Left.
Left to rot, carve itself into my pale skin..
Absorbed.
Soaked up in my flesh
Never to leave it's surface
The scars,
they are a reminder
that you will never leave my mind
Regardless of what I do.
The pills I take,
The laughs I laugh..
The tricks you play are as nasty as,
the look you had in your eye,
The last time our pairs met.

Runaway Guy

She whispers to him, he whispers to her,
"Will you, my sweetheart, be my sweet girl?"
She giggles and blushes and quickly looks away,
How much courage it'd take for me to jump in and say.

I'm in love with you, lovely, so why not me?
Could my not-so-subtle hints not be enough for you to see?
My head drops to my hands as my heart falls below.
I want you so bad, more than you'll ever know.

So with that, I smile and get on with my week.
Sad as that is, I care no longer to speak.
Seeing as my words have gotten me no where,
Ripped into pieces, my heart left to tear.

I laugh, Ha-ha-ha, not like I care.
But actually I do, more than I'd like to share.
I don't know what it is that attracts me to you.
Why I need you so badly, why I can't just be through.

I click on your name, your picture is there.
Your smile, your eyes, your effervescent hair.
You excite me, you do, with every truth and every lie.
Why is it that the one we want, is always our runaway guy?

One Year

One year has passed by and I still cannot sleep.
Without your face haunting my dreams.
I never thought I'd be able to fly away.
Away.
With clenched hands you grab, tear.
Rip.
At what's left of my existence.
You left me, eradicated and desolate.
On this cold winter floor.
Liquids; Stained with red, confine me.
A wall of horror matures in front of me.

You stand,
Angle yourself anterior to me.
It takes all my strength to elevate my head.
To audit my dictator.

Tears fall down my face
As I remember that day.
Remember.
You.
My body, now completely obselete.

I want to scream, I want to yell,
"I don't care anymore!"
But I can't even bring myself to whisper the words.

Caught between resentment and pure abhorrence.
This is who I am now, this is who you turned me into.
I hate to say.
You've poured so much animosity into my life.
I feel I'll never rejoice.

Laceration occurs.
On my heart, in many places.
My lungs screams for air as I
force myself down.
Down, down.
Further,
Below the surface.

I'm buried beneath the snow,
On this cold December day, dig me out..
Face me, you coward.

I hate you with every ounce of my continuation.

You broke me.



Written by: Kati Willard Phelps on December 6, 2010.

Spring Break Activities (:

Hey! Today is March 17th, 2011 (: Spring Break! Wooo. Nott. This break has been decent. It's only Thursday though.. I still have like 3 days. Anyway, Sunday I hung out with Emilye (Massaro), Chris (Al-Qhowdhaib) and Kyle (Schwimmnbeck). It was alright. We went to Taco Bell then walked the track at CMS and it was fun. Chris was really weird around Kyle but whatever. Anyway, I'm pretty positive that Kyle only likes me as a friend. He talks about other girls to me and he just doesn't act like he likes me. Whatever.

 Then on Monday, I filmed literally ALL DAY. Devon picked me up at like 12:00 then we went to Sedona and filmed the scene where I confront Stacy at the school lunch table. It was okay. Nothing extremely good but yeah. I think I did pretty good. Yup. Then right after, we stopped at Subway for lunch. Then we went to Mrs. Daher's house and re-filmed the first scene with my aunt. That went pretty good, but we were supposed to film the suicide scene but of course we didn't have time to do it. Because Devon does not know how to coordinate his times very well. He completely overestimates us and himself. He believes we can get shit done in like an hour when that is completely not possible. So yeahh.

Tuesday I just chilled at home then Devon and Dakota invited me to have lunch with them at Taco Bell (We go there so much) and so I went. I got there and there was this random girl with them. We all started talking and she seemed really nice. She was so pretty too. Devon introduced her as 'Bre' his friend that's like a little sister from Phoenix. I started talking about how I don't like Christian Boulet and Kristen Taylor (2 girls from the film) and she said she hated girls like that. We basically became best friends from then on :) We hung out at the school with the boys and jammed out to Katy Perry in the media room. It was fun. Then, since I wasn't filming that night, we tagged along with the boys while they were filming. We hung out with Tyler Herndon, Logan Kitchen, JC Lawler and Tyler Wrons. That was really fun! They would switch off from filming so in their down time, they hung out with Bre and I. Bre is unbelievably gorgeous so every time a guy passed by her, they would stare her down and whoop and yell. It was kinda annoying but i mean, she's pretty so that's just what happens. Anyway then we sat at Dennys for like an hour doing nothing cause devon said he needed help but I guess not. Then Brian O'Connor, Natalie Lampros and John Condon showed up and started hanging out with us. They are so funny. So we all decided to leave since it was boring. We went to RiverFront so Natalie and John could smoke their cigars (gross). Then we met up with Zach Riel and hung out in the walmart parking lot. THEN we left there too because there was 3 cops but they all just went to Carls Jr. LOL. Then we just decided to go to Bre's house and hangout. But Natalie went home. So it was just Bre, Me, Zach, Brian and John. Bre invited me to spend the night so I did.  We hungout in her playroom and drank some Coors Lights and Capri Suns and watched weird videos of Lady gaga and also this show about Drag Queens! Haha. We renamed all of them according to who they looked like; for example: Katy Perry, Marilyn Monroe, Shakira, hahahha it was so funny. Then Zach left and the rest of us got in bed together (They were gonna spend the night). It was great cause John stripped down to his underwear (which were whitie tighties) and told me that I have to sleep by him lol I didn't want to! But then we made them go home because she didn't want her parents getting mad. It was a really fun night :))

Wednesday, Bre and I met up with Kyle at the Rec Center then we went to Kyles house. We were hoping to go swimming but Bre was on her period :/// so we just made dinner plans and invited a few people to go. :) We went to Hacienda, it was pretty fun. Then we went to the clarkdale park (In Zachs car) and John and I sat in the gazebo and cried together.. He's going through a very hard time and I am basicaly the only one he'll talk to. Nobody else knows.. so I feel very special. It shows me that our friendship is important to him and we've been best friends since 6th grade so I really know that I love him. :)) I know he'll make it through, he's strong. Mhm. Then I took Bre home and decided to go home since I'm pretty sick.

Devon and Dakota wanted me to do the hospital scene today but my family really wants me to go to Flagstaff with them. I feel bad cause today is the only day I guess we can film at the hospital... but they have to give us a different day. Honestly. The hospital isn't that stupid. Its for a freakin anti-drug and anti-bullying film. Anyway, yeah. In flagstaff, hopefully I'll get some new pants and we are getting the rest of the stuff for my Prom dress. :) I'm excited! Oh and I might get to see my brothers again!

I have barely practiced my anything goes dancing and blocking at all. I need to work on it cause I'm afraid I'll forget it all! Ahhhh! And I also have a history project due in a few days :/ Ahh! Tech Week is next week! How stressful... anywayyyyyy. See ya (:

The Painting

A blank canvas sits still
As I mix paint colors
Grab a brush
I close my eyes
And let myself go
You are all I can think of
All I've dreamt about
Our memories throw themselves out
Onto the paper
Control is no longer mine
Painting myself back into your life
Red with lips, Blue with eyes
Your brown hair so messy
Staring up at the night sky
Wondering where the world will take us
I remember back on those days
I wonder if we could do that again?

Impulse

The yelling
The screaming
The constantly tense atmosphere
I can't seem to escape
The cries from my mom, my brother and sister
And myself
I listen and my heart caves in
As my personal dicipline has broken loose
No longer am I in control of my own body
Impulse
The act of which I take action on
My head is spinning
As I angrily walk towards him
He smirks
And I break
She tells me to stop yelling
To stop screaming
But I just can't seem to escape
The need to get revenge

Until Tonight

We've been friends for years
Laughed together a million times
Shared jokes and memories
Stumbled across ups and downs
But I feel as though
Our friendship has never been that strong
Until tonight.
In that 45 minutes of talking.. communicating..
I feel as though what we have has reached new heights
I've never seen you cry
Until tonight.
The weakness and pain draining your eyes
Caused shivers down my spine
And with watery eyes I take you in my arms
Comfort.
What I want to give to you
Guilt.
Is what you feel.
Until tonight,
I thought you didn't trust me
Never knew this side of you
I see you in a whole new light now
Respect you so much more
I never realized how much you truly meant to me,
Until Tonight.

to: John Condon

Not Today

Sometimes the thing we want most
is the furthest off to come.
And the desire of retrieving that goal,
Is left as but yet, a dream.
We can wish and hope and pray.
But still end up empty-handed.
They say beggars can't be choosers;
Yet I choose not to beg.
Belief runs through my veins,
and fortune pumps my blood.
My indecisive head screams
To my inadquate heart.
Quit trying.
Stop believing.
Do not continue to have faith.
My lungs left incoherent..
Whisper harmoniously and certain;
Not today.
Sometimes we aren't happy with what we have.
We take such things for granted.
I have this and I have that..
But I don't have you.

-Kati Phelps. February 28, 2011