"
I am looking for you again. In airports when your last name is called over the intercom,
through clouds of smoke, in parked cars I can pass.
I keep telling myself to forget the smoke-screened version of you I have created,
the one who has your hair and ambles from place to place. "THINK OF HIM," I say.
Of who he really was.
Think of the piles of dandruff on his pillow, the sarcastic way he said, "I love you,"
and the way he said, "This doesn't mean we're going to date again," after kissing you.
Think of the pictures of his hand on her knee only a day after you stopped talking.
Think of every minute you spent waiting on him. Think of the way he never loved you.
Do not, I repeat do NOT, think of the way he looked at you in mid-conversation,
or the hours you spent in his bed, giggling and hiding under the covers as his fan blew on your back.
Do not think of the way he blurted out that he loved you. It was not "perfect". Quit telling yourself so.
Forget the back seat of your car and the humid air that leaked through the cracked window.
Burn the blankets and pillows where it happened for the first time.
Do not look back on every moment and wonder where you went wrong
or what you could have done to keep his attention.
Erase every damned song that reminds you of him and only listen to songs that came out recently,
songs that have not been spoiled by his memory.
Think of the way he did not want to join in the trivia game over the last coffee you shared together
because everyone around you was in their forties and he was embarrassed.
Think of him, pressed against her the same way he was against you, in a fucking shed.
Think of the way your feelings embarrassed him. Do not think of his film collection,
or the books you talked about, or the way he touched you.
Do not tell yourself that he has been the only one to understand. Do NOT whisper his name.
Do not think of him and the smile on his face you so rarely saw.
And do not, do not think of his kisses.
or his love.
do not, do not. Do not.
"
No comments:
Post a Comment